Spousal Intimacy And Catholic Sin: Exploring Boundaries

Kissing before marriage is a topic of debate among Catholics. While some believe that it is okay to engage in brief kisses, others argue that even passionate kissing or making out is a mortal sin. The Catechism teaches that sex outside of marriage is gravely contrary to the dignity of persons and of human sexuality. However, it does not provide clear guidelines on kissing and other physical intimacy. According to St. Thomas Aquinas, kisses and caresses are not inherently sinful, but they become sinful when they lead to lustful pleasure or are done with the intention of seeking such pleasure.

Kissing before marriage is considered a mortal sin by some

As young Catholic men and women, maintaining a life of chastity can be challenging and inconvenient. The Church's dictates surrounding sexual intimacy outside of marriage are clear, but the rules on other forms of intimacy, like kissing, are less so. While kisses on the cheek or forehead are innocuous, where do we draw the line when it comes to lip-to-lip kissing?

Passionate kissing or 'making out' between unmarried persons is considered a mortal sin by some. This is because it is an occasion of sin, stirring up passions and designed to lead to sex. St Thomas Aquinas, a Doctor of the Church, said that "a kiss, caress, or touch does not, of its very nature, imply a mortal sin, for it is possible to do such things without lustful pleasure [...] but when these kisses and caresses are done for this delectation, it follows that they are mortal sins".

Some Catholic couples choose not to kiss on the lips before marriage, believing it helps them develop genuine affection and sacrifice for each other. They also believe it protects them from occasions of sin and helps them stay chaste. However, not everyone agrees with this approach, and some find it impractical.

Communication is paramount in such situations, and it is important for couples to discuss their intentions and needs clearly. While some may view kissing before marriage as a harmless expression of love, others see it as a serious sin that compromises their religious beliefs and standards of morality.

Kissing can be considered a gateway to other small acts of impurity

The Catholic Church teaches that sex is a divinely ordained joining of man and woman that is meant to be practised within the confines of marriage. Sex outside of marriage is considered a grave sin and is often responsible for many societal evils such as abortion, fatherless homes, and deep emotional wounds. While the Church's rules on sexual intimacy are clear, the guidelines on kissing and other forms of physical intimacy are less so.

Some Catholic couples choose to refrain from lip-to-lip kissing before marriage, finding it easier to avoid altogether than to risk crossing the line into more intimate physical contact. They argue that kissing may be a gateway to other small acts of impurity, such as holding each other for too long or touching in too intimate a way.

According to St. Thomas Aquinas, a celebrated Doctor of the Church, "a kiss, caress, or touch does not, of its very nature, imply a mortal sin, for it is possible to do such things without lustful pleasure... [but] when these kisses and caresses are done for this delectation, it follows that they are mortal sins, and only in this way are they said to be lustful." In other words, kissing is not inherently sinful, but it can become so if it leads to lustful pleasure or is done with the intention of seeking sexual pleasure outside of marriage.

The Church does not have a precise rule for kissing, leaving it up to individuals to discern whether their actions are lustful or not. However, it is generally agreed that brief kisses are acceptable, while "making out" or passionate kissing is arousing and should be avoided before marriage.

Setting boundaries in a relationship is important, but even more crucial is ensuring that your heart is in the right place. Instead of asking "How far is too far?", couples should ask themselves how they can protect each other's hearts, lead each other closer to God, and ensure that their physical actions align with their intentions.

Kissing is acceptable if it is done without lustful pleasure

The Church does not have a precise rule for how much a Catholic may kiss their spouse, just as it does not have a rule for how many peanut butter sandwiches a Catholic may eat in one day. It is up to each person to discern whether their behaviour is lustful and has become gluttonous.

Arousal is not sinful or bad; it is a natural response to stimuli and the awakening of appetite. However, arousal outside of marriage can be a temptation to sin. Sexual desire can tempt us to sin externally through fornication or internally through lustful thoughts and desires. Therefore, outside of marriage, Catholics are called to avoid things that may lead to sexual arousal and, thus, a near occasion of sin.

The definition of lustful pleasure is the disordered desire for, or inordinate enjoyment of, sexual pleasure. Sexual pleasure is considered disordered when it is sought for itself, isolated from its procreative and unitive purposes. In other words, it is good to seek sexual pleasure within the union of spouses who are open to new life, but it is wrong to seek sexual pleasure outside of this context.

According to the Catechism, lust is a mortal sin when it is done with full knowledge and consent. For example, if one feels arousal spontaneously and then consents to that feeling, along with full knowledge, they have committed a mortal sin.

It is important to note that each person and couple may be aroused and tempted by different things. Therefore, the answer to the question of how far is too far is often "it depends." However, two bare-minimum boundaries that everyone should adopt are keeping all clothes on and avoiding touching the erotic zones of the body. Undressing and touching sexual organs are clear precursors to sex, and no one would do these things without a desire to give or receive sexual pleasure.

Beyond these minimum boundaries, brief kisses are usually considered acceptable, while "making out" is arousing to most people and should be avoided. Some Catholic couples choose to save their first kiss on the mouth for marriage but express affection in other ways, such as kisses on the cheek or forehead. Others may institute rules such as limiting the number of consecutive kisses or avoiding tongue involvement to prevent kisses from turning into passionate make-out sessions.

It is essential to communicate and discern with your spouse to determine what behaviours lead to temptation and adjust your boundaries accordingly. Temptations are not sins, so there is no need to be scrupulous if you experience arousal inadvertently while expressing affection. However, if an action routinely arouses you and tempts you to lust, that is a warning to avoid that action in the future.

Kissing can be considered a near occasion of sin

According to the Catechism, lust is the "disordered desire for, or inordinate enjoyment of, sexual pleasure" (2351). Sexual pleasure is considered disordered "when sought for itself, isolated from its procreative and unitive purposes". In other words, it is good to seek sexual pleasure within the union of spouses who are open to new life, but it is wrong to seek sexual pleasure outside that context.

St Thomas Aquinas explains that kisses, caresses, etc. are not sinful in themselves if they are done without lustful pleasure, but they can be mortally sinful if they lead someone to consent to lustful pleasure, or if they are done for the sake of this pleasure.

Arousal is not sinful or bad; it is a natural response to stimuli, and the body's preparation for sex. However, arousal can be a temptation to sin if it happens outside the context of marriage. As such, outside of marriage, Catholics are called to avoid things that they can reasonably expect will be sexually arousing and therefore a near occasion of sin.

The problem with passionate kissing is that it is ordered towards arousal, which is only appropriate for married couples. It is the preliminary action to sex and is designed to get one's partner in the mood.

Passionate kissing can be a mortal sin because it stirs up passions and tempts one into lust. It is a near occasion of sin because it is sexually arousing and happens outside the context of marriage.

Kissing is acceptable if it is not done for the sake of sexual pleasure

According to St. Thomas Aquinas, "a kiss, caress, or touch does not, of its very nature, imply a mortal sin, for it is possible to do such things without lustful pleasure." However, if these acts are done with the intention of seeking sexual pleasure or lead someone to consent to lustful pleasure, they are considered sinful.

The Catechism states that lust is a "disordered desire for, or inordinate enjoyment of, sexual pleasure." Sexual pleasure is considered disordered when it is sought outside of the union of spouses who are open to procreation. Therefore, kissing that leads to sexual arousal and does not culminate in intercourse is considered sinful.

Some Catholic couples choose to refrain from lip-to-lip kissing before marriage, believing that it helps them develop genuine affection and sacrifice for each other. They argue that it allows them to focus on what is most important in their relationship and avoid the passions that can obscure their commitment.

Additionally, physical intimacy before marriage can create a deep emotional bond that can last for years and potentially lead to heartbreak and emotional wounds if the relationship does not work out. Saving physical intimacy for marriage helps protect both individuals and ensures that their relationship is built on a foundation of love and commitment rather than purely physical attraction.

However, it is essential to note that each person and couple may have different boundaries and comfort levels regarding physical intimacy. What may be arousing for one couple may not be for another. Therefore, it is up to each individual to discern what actions may lead them into temptation and adjust their boundaries accordingly.

In conclusion, while kissing is not inherently sinful, it can become sinful if it is done with the intention of seeking sexual pleasure outside of marriage or leads to lustful thoughts and desires. Catholic couples must carefully consider their actions and ensure that their physical intimacy aligns with the teachings of the Church and their commitment to chastity.

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