Arguing: An Emotional Outlet Or A Destructive Force?

Arguments are an inevitable part of life, and emotions play a crucial role in how they unfold and conclude. The human race is built for conflict, with anatomical differences in the brains of liberals and conservatives contributing to opposing political beliefs. When disagreements arise, understanding and managing emotions are essential to maintaining productive discourse. Emotional intelligence (EQ) is key to navigating differences of opinion, as it helps to separate strong emotions from the discussion and fosters respect between opposing parties.

Emotions are powerful tools that can be leveraged to influence judgment and persuade others. This is particularly evident in political contexts, where emotional appeals are often used to garner support without engaging in rational discussions of policies or issues. However, it's important to note that emotional appeals are not always fallacious and can be valid, especially when discussing subjective matters or personal experiences.

Emotional intelligence and arguing

Emotional intelligence (EQ) is a concept that researchers developed in the 1980s and 1990s to explain why intelligent people sometimes do unintelligent things. EQ is your ability to process emotions—both your own and others'—and make sound decisions.

Arguing is an inevitable fact of life. When you disagree with someone, the mark you leave on the situation comes from how well you understand and manage your emotions, not what you say to prove your point. When emotions are allowed to run wild during a disagreement, the discussion goes nowhere.

Ask good questions

People want to be heard. If they don't feel heard, frustration rises. Ask the other person to elaborate on their point of view, and manage your own feelings as needed. Focus on understanding where the other person is coming from. By asking for input, you show that you care about their opinions and are interested in learning more about their beliefs. This establishes respect as the foundation for your discussion.

Resist the urge to plan "comebacks" and rebuttals

Your brain cannot listen well and prepare to speak at the same time. Use your self-management skills to silence your inner voice and direct your attention to the other person while they are speaking. The key is to focus your energy on what's required of you to engage in an emotionally intelligent discussion or argument.

Help the other person understand your side of things

Describe your discomfort, thoughts, ideas, and the reasons behind your thought process. Communicate clearly and simply. This won't necessarily win the other person over to your way of thinking, but it will show that you respect them, and it will help them to respect you.

Keep in touch

Any resolution to an argument won't come in the heat of the moment. Demonstrate a high degree of emotional intelligence by checking in with the other person respectfully once the dust has settled. See if the other party is satisfied with how things are being handled, and determine if there are any new avenues you can explore to reach common ground.

Reflect on your own emotions

Take time to understand what you're feeling and why. This self-awareness will help you manage your emotions and make sound decisions.

Be observant of your own emotions

Pay attention to the physical symptoms you experience with emotion. For example, your face might turn red when you're angry.

Use "the pause"

Take a moment to think before speaking. This will help you to respond thoughtfully rather than reacting impulsively.

Explore the "why"

Try to bridge the gap by taking the other person's perspective.

When criticized, don't take offense

Instead, ask yourself what you can learn from the criticism.

Practice

The more you practice emotional intelligence, the better you'll become at it.

Identify and regulate your emotions

People with low EQ struggle to understand and control their emotions. They might lash out reactively without understanding what they are feeling or why. A key component of EQ is the ability to regulate emotions.

Develop creative ways to manage stress

Stress can lead to impulsive behaviour and ineffective coping behaviours.

Allow others to have a voice

Give others the opportunity to express their emotions and share their point of view.

Encourage employees to work and play together

This will help to build trust, a sense of group identity, and a sense of group efficacy.

Understand the emotional experiences of others

Empathy allows you to put yourself in someone else's shoes and feel how they might be feeling. The inability to consider other people's feelings can lead to conflicts, misunderstandings, and a lack of authentic connections with others.

Learn to cope with emotionally-charged situations

People with low EQ tend to walk away from these situations to avoid dealing with the emotional fallout, or they hide their true emotions.

Avoid "argumentum ad passiones"

This is a type of informal fallacy characterized by the manipulation of the recipient's emotions to win an argument, especially when there is an absence of factual evidence.

Be open to the possibility that you could be wrong

When confronted with information that contradicts your strongest beliefs, try to remain open-minded. You might even come to respect your opponent's viewpoint.

Establish common ground

Highlight the points you agree on before explaining your side.

Take a breath and admit you have more reading to do

If you need time to fact-check, take a break from the conversation and come back to it later with better facts and a calmer head.

Don't gloat if you disprove your opponent

Thank them for considering your side instead.

Be willing to be persuaded in turn

Avoid the "backfire effect"

When we're confronted with information that contradicts our strongest beliefs, we start to believe even harder. The backfire effect can make us irrational when faced with a sound argument because we're scared we'll have to recalibrate our feelings around facts.

The role of logic in arguing

Logic is the study of correct reasoning and plays a central role in many fields, including philosophy, mathematics, computer science, and linguistics. It is traditionally defined as the study of the laws of thought or correct reasoning and is usually understood in terms of inferences or arguments. An argument is a series of sentences, statements, or propositions, some of which are called premises, and one is the conclusion.

The purpose of an argument is to give reasons for one's conclusion via justification, explanation, and/or persuasion. Arguments are intended to determine or show the degree of truth or acceptability of another statement, called a conclusion. Logic studies arguments, which consist of a set of premises that leads to a conclusion. For example, the argument from the premises "it's Sunday" and "if it's Sunday, then I don't have to work" leads to the conclusion "I don't have to work".

There are two main types of arguments in logic: deductive and inductive. Deductive arguments have the strongest form of support: if their premises are true, then their conclusion must also be true. This is not the case for ampliative arguments, which arrive at genuinely new information not found in the premises. Many arguments in everyday discourse and the sciences are ampliative arguments. Deductive arguments are associated with formal logic, while ampliative arguments are linked to informal logic.

In logic, an argument is usually expressed in a symbolic formal language and can be defined as any group of propositions of which one is claimed to follow from the others through deductively valid inferences that preserve truth from the premises to the conclusion. Formal logic is the study of deductively valid inferences or logical truths. It examines how conclusions follow from premises based on the structure of arguments alone, independent of their topic and content. It uses a formal approach to study reasoning by replacing concrete expressions with abstract symbols to examine the logical form of arguments independently of their concrete content.

Informal logic, on the other hand, examines arguments expressed in natural language and is associated with informal fallacies, critical thinking, and argumentation theory. It emphasizes the study of argumentation and is concerned with everyday discourse. It uses non-formal criteria and standards to analyze and assess the correctness of arguments.

Critical thinking is an essential aspect of logic and argumentation. Critical thinkers are open and receptive to all ideas and arguments, even those they may disagree with. They ask questions, break down messages into individual components, and examine each component for sound logic and reasoning. They are curious, prudent in judgment, and confident in their reasoning. Critical thinking helps determine the truth or validity of arguments and is crucial for formulating strong arguments.

In conclusion, logic plays a vital role in arguing by providing a framework for constructing and evaluating arguments. It helps ensure that arguments are correct and well-supported by examining the structure, reasoning, and evidence used. Logic is applied in both formal and informal settings, allowing for a broad range of argumentation. Critical thinking skills are essential for effective logic and argumentation, promoting open-mindedness, curiosity, and fair-mindedness.

Emotional appeals in arguing

Arguing is an inevitable part of life, and emotions play a significant role in how we navigate disagreements. Emotional appeals can be a powerful tool in arguing, but they can also lead to fallacious reasoning and unproductive conflict. Understanding the role of emotions in arguing is crucial for effective communication and conflict resolution.

The Power of Emotional Appeals

Emotions are central to the human experience, and they can be leveraged to enhance the persuasiveness of an argument. Emotional appeals can bypass critical thinking and target universal feelings such as fear, hate, love, and compassion. When an argument evokes a strong emotional response, it becomes easier to influence the listener's viewpoint. This is because emotions create a personal connection between the speaker and the audience, making the message more memorable and engaging.

Neuroscience supports this idea, as researchers have found that individuals who cannot process emotions also struggle to make decisions. Additionally, psychologists like Rob Yeung argue that emotions are often more persuasive than logic when it comes to motivating behaviour change. For example, most people understand that smoking is harmful, but logical arguments alone are often insufficient to compel smokers to quit. An emotional appeal, such as fear of the health consequences, can be a more effective strategy.

Types of Emotional Appeals

There are various types of emotional appeals that can be used in arguing, including:

• Appeal to Pity: This involves eliciting sympathy to support an argument. For example, a driver caught speeding may appeal to the officer's compassion by explaining their difficult financial situation.
• Appeal to Fear: Building an argument based on fear rather than evidence. A politician may evoke fear of the opposition to garner support without presenting factual evidence.
• Appeal to Flattery: Using compliments or praise to influence the listener's viewpoint.
• Appeal to Ridicule: Employing mockery or scorn to discredit an opposing argument.
• Appeal to Consequences: Highlighting the potential negative outcomes of not following a particular course of action.

The Danger of Emotional Appeals

While emotional appeals can be effective, they can also lead to fallacious reasoning if used inappropriately. An "appeal to emotion fallacy" occurs when someone tries to win an argument by manipulating emotions without providing factual evidence or logical reasoning. This type of fallacy is common in advertising, law, and politics. For example, a political candidate may evoke fear or patriotism to gain support without engaging in a substantive discussion of their policies.

Emotional appeals can also distract from the truth of a conclusion and hinder rational consideration of relevant information. Additionally, they can be manipulative and create beliefs where none existed or change existing beliefs, as Aristotle warned.

Strategies for Effective Arguing

To avoid the pitfalls of emotional appeals, it is essential to approach disagreements with emotional intelligence (EQ). This involves managing your own emotions and respecting the emotions of the other person. Here are some strategies for effective arguing:

• Ask Good Questions: Encourage the other person to elaborate on their viewpoint and actively listen to their responses. This helps establish respect and understanding as the foundation for the discussion.
• Avoid Rebuttals: Resist the urge to plan comebacks and focus on truly understanding the other person's perspective.
• Explain Your Perspective: Clearly communicate your thoughts, ideas, and the reasons behind your viewpoint. This shows respect for the other person and helps build a stronger relationship.
• Stay Calm: Removing strong emotions from the argument can make it more rational and productive. Remaining calm can defuse tension and create a safer space for discussion.
• Check Your Facts: Take the time to fact-check and gather evidence to support your arguments. This helps ensure that your arguments are based on logical reasoning rather than emotional manipulation.

In conclusion, emotional appeals are a powerful tool in arguing, but they must be used thoughtfully and ethically. By understanding the potential benefits and pitfalls of emotional appeals, we can improve our communication skills and navigate disagreements more productively.

The impact of arguing on relationships

Arguing is an inevitable part of relationships, and it's not necessarily a bad thing. In fact, it can be beneficial. Arguments can lead to a deeper understanding of your partner and yourself, and they can also help you identify concerns that need to be addressed. That being said, the way in which a couple argues and resolves conflicts is crucial to maintaining a healthy relationship.

Understanding Arguments in Relationships

Conflicts are a natural part of any relationship, as they arise from the unique thoughts, opinions, and perspectives of two distinct individuals. Arguments can vary from trivial discussions to more heated exchanges, and they often reflect deeply ingrained belief systems, communication styles, and insecurities. While the frequency of arguments is not as important as how they are handled, frequent high-intensity arguments filled with criticism, contempt, and personal attacks can cause emotional distress and create a rift in the relationship.

The Benefits of Arguing

Despite the negative connotations, arguing can have several benefits for a relationship:

• Greater self-understanding and relationship clarity: Arguments can prompt individuals to reflect on their feelings and identify what they want from the relationship.
• Identifying underlying concerns: Conflicts can bring to light issues that need to be addressed, whether they are longstanding problems or new concerns.
• Deeper understanding, trust, and connection: Constructive arguments can lead to a deeper understanding of each other's perspectives, fostering greater trust and a more authentic connection.

Argument Styles and Their Impact

There are several argument styles that individuals may adopt, and recognizing these styles can help make fights more manageable:

• Avoidant arguer: This style is characterized by withdrawing or closing oneself off during a fight. While it is understandable to seek space after a conflict, completely shutting down can sow resentment and poison the relationship.
• Defensive arguer: This style involves feeling like a victim and nitpicking your partner's flaws in response to criticism. While defending yourself is normal, this style becomes toxic when it hinders resolution.
• Attacking arguer: This style involves blaming your partner for problems they may not have caused and using aggressive "you" statements, which often agitate and upset the other party.
• Open arguer: This style is characterized by both parties calmly presenting their points and seeking to understand each other's perspectives. This approach tends to lead to more productive arguments and easier resolution.

Strategies for Constructive Arguments

To ensure that arguments are constructive and promote growth in a relationship, it is important to:

• Engage in open communication, mindful listening, and empathetic understanding.
• Focus on mutual respect and understanding, rather than trying to win or lose the argument.
• Seek to identify common ground and highlight points of agreement before explaining your side.
• Take a step back if you feel defensive or need time to fact-check, and return to the conversation with a calmer head.
• Avoid gloating if you disprove your partner, as this can encourage defensiveness.
• Be open to the possibility that you could be wrong and be willing to learn from your partner's perspective.

In conclusion, arguing can have a significant impact on relationships, for better or worse. By understanding the role of conflicts, recognizing argument styles, and adopting constructive strategies, couples can navigate disagreements in a way that promotes growth, understanding, and harmony in their relationship.

How to argue productively

Arguing is an inevitable part of life. Disagreements can arise in any context, from the boardroom to the living room, and it's important to know how to navigate them productively and with emotional intelligence. Here are some strategies to help you argue productively:

Understand and Manage Your Emotions

Recognise that emotions play a significant role in disagreements. When emotions run high, the discussion often becomes unproductive and can cause lasting damage to relationships. It's crucial to keep your emotions in check and approach the situation with a calm and rational mindset. This doesn't mean suppressing your emotions entirely, but rather being mindful of them and ensuring they don't hijack the conversation.

Embrace the Possibility of Being Wrong

Acknowledge that you might be wrong. This mindset is essential for productive arguing. Be open to learning from the other person and consider the possibility that your perspective could evolve. This attitude can help foster mutual respect and a willingness to engage in meaningful dialogue.

Ask Good Questions

Encourage the other person to elaborate on their point of view. Ask open-ended questions to understand their thoughts, feelings, and reasoning behind their opinions. By actively listening and seeking to comprehend their perspective, you establish respect as the foundation of your discussion. This approach can help prevent the conversation from devolving into a battle of egos.

Avoid Absolutes

Steer clear of using absolute terms like "never," "always," "should," or "shouldn't." These words are often irritating and inaccurate. For example, instead of saying, "You never wash the dishes," try reframing it as a specific request or expressing how it makes you feel when certain tasks aren't shared. This approach can help keep the conversation constructive and prevent unnecessary defensiveness.

Focus on the Present Issue

Stay focused on the present issue being discussed. Avoid bringing up old grievances or unresolved conflicts from the past. By addressing the current problem without the baggage of past issues, you increase the chances of finding a resolution or reaching a compromise. If there are other concerns, set them aside until the main issue is addressed.

Empathy and Compassion

Put yourself in the other person's shoes. Consider how they are affected by the situation and try to understand their perspective. Empathy helps defuse anger and creates space for both parties to express their thoughts and feelings productively. It also enables you to approach the disagreement with consideration and respect, strengthening your relationship even when you disagree.

Take a Break if Needed

If emotions are running high, it's perfectly acceptable to pause the conversation and take a break. This allows both parties to calm down and return to the discussion with a clearer head. Abraham Lincoln famously wrote angry letters but kept them in his desk for a day before sending them, giving himself time to calm down.

Remember, the aim of an argument should not be victory but progress. By following these strategies, you can navigate disagreements productively, minimise damage to relationships, and perhaps even strengthen your connections through mutual understanding and respect.

Frequently asked questions